Between A Rock and A Hard Place: The Sudden Spate In Live-in Partner Crimes Across India
Torn between conflicting situations with no visible escape, partners are resorting to violence and murder.
Introduction
Some of you might have come across news reports on some of the recent chilling live-in partner murders in India.
If not, here they are:
One of the very first live-in partner murder cases that shook the nation last year was of the brutal murder of Shraddha Walkar by her live-in partner, Aftab Poonawala.
Just as the country was processing the gory details of the Shraddha Walkar case, came the brutal murders of Nikki Yadav and Saraswati Vaidya, both committed by their live-in partners.
The latest case of live-in partner murder comes from the Silicon Valley city of Bengaluru.
Apart from these four, tons of other live-in relationship murder cases have emerged over the past few months in cosmopolitan cities and Tier 2 cities alike.
All of this begets the question, why is there a sudden spate in live-in relationship murders in India?
Upward mobility and cosmopolitan culture to blame?
Spurred by an abundance in wealth and upward mobility, the trend of live-in partnerships is on a rise in India. However, this kind of living arrangement is more vulnerable to the push and pull dynamics of a relationship since a live-in relationship has no legal implications and have no laws to support them. Moreover, a large number of live-in relationships arise purely out of rebellion on either sides of the partnership, where one or both partners elope from their family homes to start a new life with each other, only to be ostracized and eventually completely cut off from their birth families.
So in case a dispute or altercation arises, there is no support system to seek redressal from.
Scheming and unscrupulous people know this fully well and only portray an image of mutual closeness so that they can get close to their partners and take advantage of them during later stages of the relationship. Sometimes this is intentional but most often it is a result of the ordinary push and pull dynamics of any relationship, where one feels they’re getting the shorter end of the stick.
While in traditional arranged marriages or love marriages (which have the approval of both families), either party could retreat to the safe refuge of their respective families and relatives in case of disputes and seek redressal, this option isn’t available to live-in partnerships due to the very foundation of such relationships, which is rebellion and a fierce defiance towards traditional ways of life.
“While in traditional arranged or love marriages (which have the approval of both families), either party could retreat to the safe confines of their respective families and relatives in case of disputes and seek redressal, this option isn’t available to live-in partnerships due to the very foundation of such relationships, which is rebellion and a fierce defiance towards traditional ways of life.”
So naturally when a conflict erupts at home, the live-in partner sees no way out of their predicament other than resorting to intimidating threats and physical violence that may or may not result in the death of their partner.
They fear going back to their family homes and “outing” on themselves and their partners due to sheer embarassment and an “I told you so” attitude that is extremely pervasive amongst traditional Indian society. The live-in man or woman knows that before any kind of solace can be provided by their families, they would first be berated and humiliated for leaving the family unit, and sometimes this humiliation happens in full public view for all of the neighbourhood to see.
The fear of being publicly reprimanded for not following conventional societal norms and marrying against their parents wishes is the biggest obstacle in live-in partners reaching out to their family members or relatives to seek recourse from a dispute or altercation in the relationship.
Brenda Covarrubias perfectly puts this point into perspective while narrating her very own account of being objectified in a relationship:
“My mind began to race. I had never been in a situation like this before. In hindsight, I know I should have called someone.
My brother would have come, but he might be angry, and I didn’t want him to fight my boyfriend.
My parents would get me. But then I would have to explain to them why I was dating a creep — and why I still wanted to see him.”
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
The prospect of being the target of such a brutal assault on their personality is too hard to bear for the individual. They feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, and hence, resorting to violence and crime seems to be the only way out.
The above account by Brenda bears a shocking similiarity to the Shraddha Walkar murder case where family estrangement is concerned. As per police investigation, it is revealed to us that:
“It is also revealed that he initially tortured and tormented Shraddha who wanted to break up with him, however, she could not because she did not have a support system as she had no contact with her family.”
Once a live-in partner reaches out to their family for help, they are character assasinated, slut-shamed, stereotyped, victim blamed, and the larger family unit starts to cast serious doubts on their decision making capabilities from then on.
For the very same reasons, they fear going to the police as well.
To begin with, most parents aren’t even aware that their sons or daughters working in another city might be in a live-in relationship with someone of the opposite sex (let’s not even talk about Gay and Lesbian relationships). So very naturally, to even seek recourse from an issue which has cropped up in the live-in arrangement, one must be ready to divulge that they are in a live-in relationship in the first place.
“To even seek recourse from an issue which has cropped up in the live-in arrangement, one must be ready to divulge that they are in a live-in relationship in the first place”
Most women in live-in relationships know for a fact that they will, first and foremost, be slut-shamed and castigated for behaving incongruously to established religious norms and traditional values. They know they will be given ultimatums; to either conform to traditional family customs and obey them from hereon, or leave the family for good and fend for themselves.
Some women aren’t even given the choice to leave and are kept prisoners in their own homes till they are forcefully married off to a person of the family’s choice at a later point.
Some of them are even killed for elopement.
Final Thoughts
While the I.T. boom and start-up industry fuelled cosmopolitan culture enables both, men and women, to move away from their biological families and live life on their own terms, it also comes with its own attendant set of risks and responsibilities that one should be well aware of before making any long term decisions. Needless to say, a certain level of emotional maturity is required for one to get in to live-in relationships.
On one hand, it is imperative that one doesn’t take their new-found freedom for granted and knows their limits whilst living on their own or with a live-in partner in another city without the knowledge of their parents.
On the other, family members need to lay down their sickles and swords on seeing a young one coming home bruised and battered from a live-in relationship, and wholeheartedly welcome them back into the family unit again.
After all, crimes of passion happen within traditional family-approved marriages too, don’t they?
